January- Some snow falls in the US. This situation is used by many in the media as irrefutable proof that global warming is just some hippy’s pipe dream.
February- Some snow melts in the US. This situation is used by many in the media as irrefutable proof that global warming will soon kill us all.
March- March starts a day early because a glitch in iPads and iPhones fails to account for leap year. Things get all buggered up because two-thirds of our society cannot function without Apple products.
April- The polar ice caps melt. This is printed on the front page of newspapers nationwide, but readership and circulation is so low nobody actually notices.
May- Bloggers take to the Internet covering the story of the melting polar ice caps, but since blogging is dying a slow death nobody actually notices.
June- Kim Kardashian wears a pair of tight-fitting yoga pants with “The Ice Caps Melted” written across the ass. The world takes notice.
July- All summer Olympic water events are moved to the North Pole.
August- The Republican National Convention convenes in Tampa, Florida and a candidate is finally selected, ending the 436-month primary campaigns. The losers are cannibalized by the throng of blood-thirsty delegates. Those who were not already cannibalized earlier in the year, that is. (NOTE: Whatever you do, don't eat the Santorum dip.)
September- The presidential campaign is in full swing. Politicians on both sides compete for the biggest distortion of the truth on every minor issue. Pertinent issues are ignored.
October- SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THESE GODDAMNED ROBO-CALLS AND JUNK MAIL!
November- Proving the American people suck at voting, we elect a bunch of assholes who will bicker and fight and prioritize short-term political goals over the long-term stability of our country. Which doesn’t really matter, because…
December- BOOM! Turns out the Mayans were some smart m&^%#$@ers.