Thursday, January 5, 2012

2012- A Year in Review

This is my review of 2012.  That is not a typo.  I am reviewing 2012.  Everyone else is doing 2011 reviews, but those are so last year.  I want to move forward, so I commandeered a time machine and I’m happy to report back to you the monthly highlights for the coming year:

January- Some snow falls in the US.  This situation is used by many in the media as irrefutable proof that global warming is just some hippy’s pipe dream.

February- Some snow melts in the US.  This situation is used by many in the media as irrefutable proof that global warming will soon kill us all.

March- March starts a day early because a glitch in iPads and iPhones fails to account for leap year.  Things get all buggered up because two-thirds of our society cannot function without Apple products.

April- The polar ice caps melt.  This is printed on the front page of newspapers nationwide, but readership and circulation is so low nobody actually notices.

May- Bloggers take to the Internet covering the story of the melting polar ice caps, but since blogging is dying a slow death nobody actually notices.

June- Kim Kardashian wears a pair of tight-fitting yoga pants with “The Ice Caps Melted” written across the ass.  The world takes notice.

July- All summer Olympic water events are moved to the North Pole.

August- The Republican National Convention convenes in Tampa, Florida and a candidate is finally selected, ending the 436-month primary campaigns.  The losers are cannibalized by the throng of blood-thirsty delegates. Those who were not already cannibalized earlier in the year, that is. (NOTE: Whatever you do, don't eat the Santorum dip.)

September- The presidential campaign is in full swing.  Politicians on both sides compete for the biggest distortion of the truth on every minor issue.  Pertinent issues are ignored.

October- SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THESE GODDAMNED ROBO-CALLS AND JUNK MAIL!

November- Proving the American people suck at voting, we elect a bunch of assholes who will bicker and fight and prioritize short-term political goals over the long-term stability of our country.  Which doesn’t really matter, because…

December- BOOM!  Turns out the Mayans were some smart m&^%#$@ers.

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9 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

It could happen! Hope the Apple products don't go down though. Can't live without my iPad.

Rick Daley said...

Alex- In the near future all of humanity's knowledge will be forever transferred into the digital realm. Print materials will be undergo mandatory recycling and be lost forever.

Then the power will go out and we'll be screwed.

Suzie F. said...

Guess I can skip Christmas shopping in 2012. Sweet!

Rick Daley said...

Suzie- You still have to set the tree up, though. The world doesn't go boom until Dec 21st.

Susan Kaye Quinn said...

I'm getting an early timeshare on houseboats in the arctic. :)

Sharon said...

greatness

Anonymous said...

shhhhhsshhhshshshhshhoooooolb.....eeear. thwwhoooooo.....now that is the ticket!

Rick Daley said...

Sue- Don't forget your sunscreen. It shines non-stop in the summer months. See you there, I'm bringing a jet-ski.

Sharon- I have my moments. This may have been one. I hope I haven't peaked for the year. That would suck.

Anon- I was actually going to post that exact comment, uncanny that you guessed it down to the letter.

David Haas said...

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David