Preach Like a Pirate

September 19th was annual Talk Like a Pirate Day. Evil Editor had a writing contest involving pirate speak ("The task was to write a scene in which you take over for a preacher who just dropped dead, and deliver his sermon . . . on International Talk Like a Pirate Day" 300 words max), and since I haven't had time to put together an original post here I figured I may as well share my entry for yonder competition:


I hobbled up to the front of the room and whirled around. Peg legs offer a convenient pivot point. The parrot on my shoulder dug its talons into my tattered waistcoat as I gripped the sides of the podium.

“Arrgh vey,” I said. I told you I was going to use that line. “It seems me matey Rabbi Cohenbergenstein has walked ye proverbial plank. Now he’s gettin stuffed into Davy Jones’s locker like a wee landlubber on his first day o’ learnin. So now it’s up to me to complete this bris.”

The parrot on my shoulder whistled and squawked, “Polly want a foreskin.”

“At least the bilge rat was kind enough to swab the dick with a wee bit o’ grog,” I said as I drew my cutlass. “It should be as clean as the bung hole on me best barrel o’ rum.”

As I raised the blade and prepared to make the cut, a voice called out for me to stop.

“Avast ye scurvy dog, ‘fore I gets me cat o’ nine tails out. I got work to do,” I scowled, for scowling is an important aspect of pirate-speak. “Aye, well sink me, this little hornpipe ain’t got enough meat to cut.”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you. It’s a girl. This is a baptism, you fool.”

“Well shiver me timbers! This wee one squats on the head to pee. Not even me mateys up in the crow’s nest could ‘ave seen that one comin.”

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Guess the [Fake] Plot

Evil Editor posted a new face lift, and I, being the loyal minion, again had a fake plot posted. Here are the plots for Surviving Eden (you can read the query at EE's blog, it's Face Lift 609). Since this is my blog, your challenge is to pick the fake plot I submitted. Post your guess as a comment:

Surviving Eden

1. Life isn't easy when you're a snake in the grass. It gets worse when you piss God off by spoiling His creation, and you realize that you only have Hell to look forward to after . . . Surviving Eden.

2. On an alternate Earth, where the apple went untouched and mankind continued naked and unashamed, would-be fashionista Carlotta Jones yearns to design the perfect apron of fig-leaves.

3. In an unspoiled part of America, Sarah moves into the home of a mysterious spinster. But can her ambition to become a spinster herself survive when she meets hunky Tyler wandering in the forest?

4. They called it Eden: a mythical planet of beauty and fruitfulness, hidden in the far reaches of the galaxy. Jonah Starfarer found it at last--but no one had mentioned the sword-wielding angel who guarded it.

5. Everyone knows about Adam & Eve. But what about the poor animals? Lion Aslan must lead the animals from their world to the dangerous one of humans. But is there a snake in his path, too?

6. Eden seemed so fragile and delicate that Walter dedicated himself to protecting her. But after five years of her mood shifts and erratic behaviour, he was forced to acknowledge that he was barely . . . Surviving Eden.