This just in...
WASHINGTON, D.C. (August 8, 2012) – Political discourse in the US took a highly anticipated turn and devolved into a childish name-calling contest.
It all started when the Obama camp slammed Mitt Romney, calling him a “Doodyhead.” The Romney campaign, in retaliation, accused the president of having cooties since the third grade. Fact-checking sources were not able to confirm or deny the latter accusation, as Obama’s elementary school records are sealed.
“I think Obama should release his grade-school files to prove that the accusation is false,” said Rush Limbaugh. “Until he does that, we’ll all just have to assume that he has the cooties, and anyone whose hand he shakes on the campaign trail will get them, too.”
David Axelrod, Obama’s chief strategist, condemned the allegations in the strongest possible terms, saying, “It’s f&*%ing bull*&^#.” He went further to explain the Romney’s mother is so fat that when she sits around the house, she sits around the house. He ended his statement with, “Neener, neener!”
Sarah Palin, professional Attention Whore, fired back, accusing the president of actually being born with cooties, and again calling for a release of Obama’s birth records. Harry Reid retaliated, quoting a secret source who confirms that on Romney’s past tax returns, he did in fact list his occupation as “Doodyhead.”
Regardless of the president’s health or the actual size of Romney’s mother, this election is certainly shaping up to be a game-changer in American politics.