Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Prostitution- Defined

Last weekend we went to Akron for a wedding. On Friday we stopped at my uncle's house to drop our kids off, and they stayed with him Saturday while we went to the wedding and stayed in a hotel that had free shuttle service to and from the reception (it's like getting an official license to drink yourself silly).

I'll tell you about the wedding later. This story is about the kids' experience at my uncle's house, and how it affected my relationship with my Grandma. You're probably wondering what this has to do with the definition of prostitution....

The backstory: We met at my Grandma's house to pick the kids up. I had to go to Grandma's house, there was a serious issue I needed to confront. You see, she gets online sometimes. And she read this post about my last trip to my uncle's house. And while she does get online, she does not get my sense of humor. She got to the part about "Lila smoked some really strong crack" and of course she took it literally and promptly called my aunt to tell her that I was no family man like I pretend to be, I took the kids to a crack-house before I went home.

To my aunt, this was way to good to quash, so she didn't even try to explain it to Grandma. Instead, she called me, laughing so hard she could barely speak and leaving it up to me to clear my name.

We got to Grandma's house before my uncle and the kids did, and I took Lila (our GPS) inside to show it to Grandma and explain such concepts as metaphors and hyperbole. No sooner had I re-polished my tarnished image than my aunt and uncle arrived with the kids.

First thing was hugs and kisses for the boys (had to re-establish the fact that I am a family man). The kids ran off to play Grandma's piano.

"Oh, in case it comes up," my Uncle said, glancing over his shoulder to make sure the kids were out of hearing range, "prostitution is not wearing your seat belt."

To make a short story long, here's how this little word game unfolded:

My Aunt and Uncle were channel surfing with the kids when my older son saw COPS on the cable guide. He loves that show, he first saw it when he was staying at my in-law's house. I watched it with him several times, eventually drawing the conclusions that 1) I didn't want to keep explaining what was happening and why, and 2) the explanations are not suitable for a seven-year-old anyway.

I didn't think to tell my Uncle this beforehand.

So the first scene in COPS was the officers busting a car full of hookers.

"Why are they getting arrested?" My son asked.

"They weren't wearing their seatbelts," was the evasive answer given.

A few minutes later the officer said, "We're going to have to take you in on charges of prostitution."

My son drew the only conclusion he could, given the information available to him at the time. "Prostitution? So that's what it's called when you don't wear your seat belt."

Nobody contradicted his logic. However, my Grandma overheard my Uncle telling me this, and now she believes that I am somehow involved in prostitution. So apparently I went from socializing with crack-ho's to just ho's. And for the record, Grandma knows prostitution has nothing to do with seat belts.


CKHB said...

Well, that puts my piddling problems into perspective. My two-year-old daughter has learned to sing "Only the Good Die Young" but has not yet told her great-grandmother that "you Cath-o-lic girls start much too late..."

Rick Daley said...


I have a 6 CD change in my car, and disc 2 is Billy Joel's greatest hits. My seven year old loves "The Entertainer"

He also likes "Captain Jack" and thankfully has not raised any questions about masturbation, laughs at "pick your nose" (so do I), and keeps asking who Captain Jack really is (a friend is my answer).

Scott said...

LOL! Love it. Too dang funny.

Isn't it strange how we name our GPS devices? Mine is Charlotte . . .as in hush, hush sweet Charlotte because she just chats and chats and chats.

I can't wait to tell my mother, next time she gets in my car and doesn't immediately put on her seat belt, that she'll be arrested for prostitution!


~Aimee States said...

Oh man, it's laugh or cry...lmao.

ElanaJ said...

Rick, you crack me up! LOL! Crack! This is just too funny!

Rick Daley said...

I like it when reality writes my posts for me ;-)

FYI...Lila's name is based on a character from the show DEXTER, I think she was in the second season. We chose the female voice with a British accent for the GPS and sound a lot like the actress.

Lady Glamis said...

*slaps forehead*

You're just a bad man in her eyes!

Scott said...

So you named your GPS after a character in a series about a serial killer??? Does Grandma know about this? : )

Rick Daley said...

Michelle- Sometimes you can't win for trying.

Scott- At the rate she confuses things these days, she could associate serial with Cap'n Crunch, and then I'll be Ok (for once).

Davin Malasarn said...

Rick, If you can get out of this, then you'll be ready to run for president. I'll vote for you, but that will probably be cancelled out by grandma.

PurpleClover said...

OMG! That is hilarious! I'm seriously LOL-ing!

Your poor gramma.

Rick Daley said...

I could never be president. I'm a realist, politically independent (I think both parties are inherently corrupt and self-serving), and ultimately I would crack a joke that would piss of the country like we were a nation of Grandma's.

Laurel said...

Too funny! We were singing "Tequila" earlier today and were mimicked to perfection by the 2 y.o. daughter. It's only a matter of time before someone in my immediate family concludes I am leading my children down the path of the unrighteous.

Rick Daley said...


Did you all do the Pee Wee Herman dance?

scott g.f. bailey said...

I thought prostitution was when you charged money, and amaturestitution was when you didn't. Thanks for clarifying.

One of the last things my grannie (rest her soul) said to me was, "You're going to hell; you know that, don't you?" But she was sure everyone was going to hell. Except her.

Rick Daley said...


I think the presence or absence of a fee is the difference between a prostitute and a slut. I'll have to check the OED and make sure.

If your Grannie was right, Heaven must be a lonely place...

Donna Hole said...

Too funny dude! I have a feeling your grandmother frequently refers to you as "that baaad man".

When my youngest was four, we took a long drive down a boring stretch of highway to nowhere - where his father lived, of course. I hate long drives, and the quicker I get there the better. I discovered the cruise control works as well at 90 as it does at 55. Anyway, my little guy, oddly enough, is sitting perfectly still, eyes forward, as the cop taps on my window. He asks my son how's it going while he waiting for me to get my license and all out and The Bug answers: "This is my first time, officer. Honest, I was just listening to the radio."

Poor cop didn't know how to tell a four year old he's not under arrest, I guess, so he let me go.

Rick Daley said...


That works better than a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card. I need to try that while my kids are still young enough to pull it off.

Anita said...

I love this post! Ha!

Laura Martone said...

But, Scott, hell is the fun place! As Mark Twain (rest HIS soul) once said... "Heaven for climate. Hell for company." Company trumps climate almost every time.

Donna - OMG, that's awesome!

And, Rick, as always, you are too hi-larious. Wish my kitty was half as funny as your kids!