Time Travel

"I slept good tonight," my son told me this morning.

I found this very interesting, because I was not aware that he could travel into the future.

NOTE TO SELF: explain concept of lottery to child, practice memorizing numbers.

This opens up a ton of potential, and I plan to exploit it to its full extent. Wouldn't you? I mean honestly, if you found out your son had some kind of super power, would you make him get a job as a reporter and dress him like a nerd, like Clark Kent's parents did, or would you capitalize on it and become a gazillionaire, like me?

Sure, the world needs saving, and I do plan to conduct a few philanthropic events with my mountain of cash, just like Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Sally Struthers. But I still want to deck my wife out in the finest bling, and get a lot of cool guy-toys for myself.

Oh, and the kids, some stuff for them. Especially little Mr. Future. I think I'll get him some flashcards and the Memory game.

It's exciting to think of all the good I could do with a gazillion dollars, all the sadness I could end, all the hungry people I could feed. I mean, here's a prime example: we are out of Girl Scout cookies. This makes me sad and hungry. But with my new fortune, I would have enough Thin Mints to last the whole year, not just two lousy months.

NOTE: Thin Mints are best when frozen.

I know that focusing on myself is narcissistic and selfish, but I just wanted to use the word narcissistic. Big words make me feel smart. Someone please look it up and let me know if I used it in the proper context. If I didn't, keep it to yourself so I don't have to go on a power trip and delete your comment, cause I'll do that in a heartbeat. This is MY blog, damnit.

And in case you are thinking that this time travel incident was a fluke, an innocent slip of the tongue by a four year old, I give you this other example:

I offered him Taylor's Ham with his breakfast. "I've never had that for a long time!" He replied.

NOTE: Taylor's Ham falls somewhere between bacon and SPAM on the food pyramid. That is, it is totally delicious, but devoid of any nutritional value whatsoever. It's popular on the east coast, and there's only one store in Columbus that sells it. That store happens to be right next to the trail head that we ran on last Sunday, so I picked some up.

But enough with the distracting notes (NOTE: for now). Had he said "I've never had that for a long time before," then I would know his period of reference is confined to the past.

For him to know that he's never had it for a long time, period, he is obviously taking the future into account. Which brings me back to my plot to become a gazillionaire. This is the most exciting day of my life, and I'm halfway through maxing out all of our credit cards in eager anticipation of my future wealth.

NOTE: My expenditures are likely to raise consumer confidence and help lift the world out of the recession, so start investing today before the stock prices all go back up. Don't say I didn't warn you!

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