Whose sheets? You may ask. Well, I’ll tell you. My seven year old son, that’s who.
I was getting his bed ready the other night. I pulled back the comforter to find the sheets and instead I found:
· A box of tissues
· A little monkey flashlight
· A plastic bug
· A piggy bank. Actually it’s a treasure chest, but whatever. It has cash in it.
· A box of tissues
· A stuffed monkey. Not a real monkey, a toy one.
· A horse’s head. No, wait. That was in the Godfather.
· The Moon Dude. It’s a little plastic snail, it used to whistle like a dog toy when you squeezed it. When my son was four we used to get in the fort on our old swingset and pretend we were in a rocket to the moon. We met this Moon Dude there and fed him moon rocks.
· An iPet (small plastic bobble-head lookin’ thing).
· A small stuffed dog with Christmas crap on.
· Pirate Scooby Doo. Yes, you read that right.
· A Max & Erma dog
· Another Max & Erma dog
· A third Max & Erma dog. Several years ago we went to a Pets Without Parents charity event. They gave these little stuffed animals away to the kids. One per kid, in most cases, but somehow my boy got his hands on three of them and refused to let any of them go. I’m no psychic, but I could tell a tantrum of epic proportions was in the near future. They say “choose your battles” and we did. And he has three of these little f$@&ing dogs.
· A Mickey Mouse
· I m not even halfway done here
· Another box of tissues
· A Snoopy
· A heart shaped earth that says “Save Me” on it
· A little cheetah thing. Or some stuffed spotted cat-like animal.
· A stuffed frog.
· Spiderman (what seven year old boy’s bed is complete without one?)
· Another Snoopy
· A random small stuffed dog
· Batman. No Robin, because that would be gay.
o NOTE: I have absolutely nothing against gay people. Or Robin, for that matter. I’m just an unrestrained smart ass, and I call ‘em as I see ‘em. We cool?
· Marley, a small stuffed white tiger named after one of our old cats.
· Mickey, a small stuffed orange tiger named after the other of our old cats.
· Kitty Frog, his Webkinz toy that is a leopard-print frog.
· Another random stuffed dog
· A chick (a baby chicken, not a hottie). It’s hard plastic with feathers glued to it.
· Another chick, but this one chirps if you touch both electrodes on its feet
· Razmataz, my other son’s Webkinz toy. He’s a little pug puppy.
· And, of course, his blankey.