I was reading political news this morning (a bad habit I am trying to quit), and I realized something:
Everything I learned in church was wrong.
I always thought the golden rule was "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" but that's so two-thousand years ago. I started taking notes and doing research today and came up with a new list of 10 commandments that reflect the Biblical virtues extolled by our politicians, pundits, and vast strings of chain emails:
1. Thou shalt not help the poor, for any reason, ever. They are all worthless, lazy leaches, and f@#% them anyway.
2. Thou shalt hate people from other countries and other religions, because f@#% them too. No more of this "Good Samaritan" crap.
3. Thou shalt not make any move to protect the birds, the flowers, or any other of God’s creations except your own damn self, because God will take care of them. Also because f@#% them.
4. Thou shalt hate all homosexuals, because fuc…wait a minute, no. F@#% them definitely doesn't apply here.
5. Thou shalt not have an abortion. Not even if thou art assaulted, battered, raped, and impregnated by a schizophrenic psychopath. The demon seed has a right to life. But if that schizophrenic psychopath also knocks over a convenience store, fry his ass.
6. Thou shalt not pay any taxes, ever. Especially if thou art a corporation.
7. If thou prayest the loudest and in front of the most people, thou art the most holy, and therefore the best able to translate the scripture into modern legislature.
8. Thou shalt be the richest motherf@#%er on the block with a pimped out ride and a million dollar crib, because that's what Jesus would do.
9. Thou shalt read the Bible often, only paying attention to short phrases that can be bent to your ever-changing political whim while ignoring the larger context of the book in whole.
And last but certainly not least, the most bi-partisan of all commandments:
10. Thou shalt lie thy ass off if it gets thou votes.
I'm so glad I have it figured out now. I think I'll live a much better life by following these principals. I hope they work just as well for you!